Burgess according to his critics

Screen Shot 2015-09-24 at 22.50.56To his detractors, Burgess was

  • unutterably vain
  • a vulgarian
  • creatively impotent, despite the alleged prolificacy
  • notoriously rude and boorish
  • a misogynist
  • insufferably boastful and arrogant
  • an erotomaniac
  • a habitual, chronic, pathological liar
  • sexually inadequate to an inordinate degree
  • a cuckold
  • salacious without being remotely amusing
  • consumed by resentment of all who were placed over him in whatever milieu
  • malicious
  • an intellectual and literary friend to communist tyranny
  • a spy — for the colonial oppressor in Kota Bharu and for the Soviet tyranny in Leningrad
  • a pseudo-intellectual
  • strangely shallow, though he pretended to wide and deep knowledge
  • an emotional cripple, despite the bombast
  • a paedophile, though he would probably render it ‘pedophil’, because he was
  • a pedant
  • possessed of a low cunning, for instance in the way he extricated himself from Brunei Town — receiving an all-expenses-paid passage back to England — by faking a nervous breakdown
  • sexist, obscenely so, as he demonstrated most embarrassingly and drunkenly in that chat show with Andrea Dworkin in ’88
  • mean and grotesquely avaricious. ‘Who’s paying for this meal?’ he would bark at every interviewer before getting so drunk on the best wines and brandies at the interviewer’s expense that could not even stand, let alone speak coherently, rendering the interview useless
  • practically a teetotaller, yet allowed his first wife to drink herself to death
  • a heartless philanderer
  • a narcotics dealer (supplying, for instance, Graham Greene with opiates)
  • a rogue and whoremonger without scruple or morals of any kind
  • a ridiculous show-off and fraud
  • a failure as a comic novelist, resembling nothing so much as a sniggering lout of a spoilt schoolboy
  • as a writer and as a man, curiously dead
  • a dangerously irresponsible subversive, working clandestinely to bring to power his drinking companion, the radical socialist and secularist A.M. Azahari, by toppling the sultan in Brunei. The attempt failed, like so many of Burgess’s quixotic projects
  • amoral, that was the problem
  • creatively static, darting about from form to form and from theme to theme but never developing or growing as a writer
  • a fantasist mixed up with dangerous radicals and traitors such as his close relation, Guy Burgess
  • academically undistinguished, to put it most kindly, though posing as a towering intellect of wide and deep learning. He did not succeed in entering the really important institutions of higher learning of our time, such as St Andrews or Wolfson College, Oxford
  • lacking in self-awareness, amounting to a kind of blindness
  • an opium-eater
  • despite the braggadocio, a deeply insecure invert
  • not fully human
  • in many ways an inferior being
  • far too much in the public bar, if you see what I mean
  • a reactionary, raging, out-of-control Catholic dogmatist of the worst kind
  • a frequenter of homosexual brothels, especially in Tangiers, to which he returned again and again in the company of his bum-chum William S. Burroughs
  • a fellow-traveller, to be bracketed with Rolland, Feuchtwanger, Spender, Sartre, Heinrich Mann and the rest of the contemptibles
  • a glutton, gorging in a disgusting way on — even himself preparing and cooking — North-country slop such as the gastronomic excrescence ‘Lancashire hotpot’
  • virulently antisemitic
  • an adulterer, carrying on blithely — and engaging in wild sexual congress — with an Italian faux-countess (in fact an ignominious lower-middle-class student) while his wife, who was his muse and more or less single-handedly created him as a personality and as a writer, lay on her death-bed enduring unimaginable pain and suffering
  • (say it softly) lacking in breeding
  • afflicted with erectile dysfunction, this being especially evident in Borneo
  • in effect, a murderer (of his first wife)
  • conveying to all the world forcefulness, yet secretly impotent
  • without ordinary shame
  • a rip-off merchant, shamelessly imitating Graham Greene’s ‘exotic’ novels
  • ever so slightly demented
  • an unapologetic fascist who idolised Goebbels (see the veiled tribute in Earthly Powers)
  • deeply uncharitable towards scholars studying his work
  • egotistically inebriated — to borrow from Disraeli — with the exuberance of own prolixity and verbosity
  • an exponent of what were little more than falderals but which were presented as high literature
  • an absurd figure
  • the author of a number of degrading why-oh-why pieces for the Nazi-supporting Daily Mail and other vulgar newspapers
  • consumed by his obsessive quest for what he called, revoltingly, ‘maximal erotic fulfilment’
  • discourteous in the extreme to all
  • a repressed homosexual who remained resolutely, irredeemably, shamefully and shamelessly closeted his entire life
  • utterly lacking in the higher style
  • a little bit cracked
  • intellectually shabby
  • more like a stamp collector, au fond, though in his Walter Mitty-like imagination he was an international rake, sexual sophisticate and highly cultivated bon viveur
  • a malevolent, destructive fabulist
  • a communist
  • in the grip of unbridled lust, especially in old age when it is most disgusting
  • a nudist and occasional streaker
  • astonishingly ungenerous to other writers
  • virtually incapable of writing a coherent, intelligible English sentence, consequent upon having removed himself to the Continent, the East Indies and elsewhere and having absorbed a whole lot of exotic, meaningless foreign gibberish and gobbledygook
  • racist
  • ineffably Mediterranean in his makeup and in his character more than a little swarthy and greasy
  • a criminal tax dodger, going anywhere — Monaco, Malaya, Switzerland, Malta — to get away from those he called ‘the fiscal tyrants’, and vulgarly always insisting, like the barrow-boy he essentially was, on ‘cash only’
  • shallow-minded, despite all the grandiosity
  • unfunny
  • unable to relate to any other member of the human race on equal terms, a quality embarrassingly in evidence in the joint interview with Isaac Bashevis Singer
  • non-creative
  • a weed, always trying to get out of sport, bowling underarm in a pissyarsed way when attempting to play cricket
  • an out-and-out charlatan
  • an apologist for Stalin who badgered his wife to go to Leningrad, then abandoned her in the hotel while he went in search of statues of his hero and wallowed in vile Marxist-Leninist carnal adventures
  • as a critic, marred by a certain deadness. Nazi would-be men of letters very often are
  • not the right kind of person and consequently not the right kind of writer
  • a falsifier
  • an abuser who exploited and abandoned a miscellany of women of all ethnic groups, enjoying them serially and severally, according to the amatory manuals such as the Kama Sutra that he salivated over
  • a liar. The man was a liar
  • a mendacious hypocrite
  • a spook, though an incompetent one (a 10-year old could work out that the capitalised lines on page 29 of A Clockwork Orange provide the HQ location of psychotronic warfare technology — a dead giveaway)
  • frivolous but never funny
  • possessed, it is rumoured, of only one testicle
  • in many ways, a perverted lunatic
  • devoted to pedication. He admitted it openly
  • a dipsomaniac who cynically cajoled his first wife, who when he met her had never touched a drop, to drink gin heavily, with the inevitable consequence for the poor woman: liver cirrhosis and an early death
  • lacking in confidence
  • nauseatingly histrionic, as a substitute for genuine thought or creativity
  • irredeemably plebeian
  • a textbook example of the dangerous loner, such that if he had had access to shotguns, the death toll would have been in the hundreds
  • a sexual freebooter
  • the outpourer of far too many books, every one of them, one is bound to say, a lamentable failure
  • painfully shy
  • a Maoist unnaturally obsessed with the Chinese — and especially Chinese ladies of the night, such as those he enjoyed in Singapore — and never missing a chance to write about China’s faraway, outlandish, inscrutable culture and even to learn a little (a dangerous thing, a mistake Mr Lewis has himself never made) of that country’s absurd language
  • devoid of wit
  • an avaricious hoarder of money and real estate
  • a predator upon pubescent girls, claiming in his autobiography to having had sexual relations with a girl ‘not older than 12’. This was a lie, of course, but it was in the atrocious taste that was so characteristic of the man
  • a chronic alcoholic
  • prone to pissyassed prissiness, though he would insist on pissyarsed (see what I mean?)
  • a male chauvinist pig
  • dead, frankly
  • self-righteous in the extreme, like so many of his fellow communists
  • impotent, both sexually and creatively
  • a secret member of, and offshore financial contributor to, the British Conservative party; in a private ceremony he knelt, fawning, before Margaret Thatcher to accept a solid gold plaque inlaid with precious stones
  • a crank
  • burdened his whole life by a gargantuan shoulder-chip associated with his North-country origins and the fact that he was never good enough to gain entry to really top-notch places of higher education such as St Andrews or Magdalen College, Oxford
  • a glamoriser of violence and cruelty, for instance in his novel A Clockwork Orange (a failure)
  • addicted to alcohol, tobacco, opium and Benzedrine
  • despicable, really; certainly Graham Greene despised him
  • deep down, a nervous little chap, though he made strenuous efforts to hide his timidity
  • a nihilist
  • besotted by communist Russia, even writing a third-rate novel, Honey for the Bears, in order to freeze forever the erotic and Marxist ecstasy and elation he experienced there
  • quite humourless
  • hysterical in a womanish way, especially in Bandar Brunei
  • suspiciously fixated upon the Malays so that he attempted — and wholly failed — to learn their language
  • an uncontrollably priapic rake
  • fiercely obstinate
  • artificially kept going by the International Anthony Burgess Foundation
  • lacking in grace
  • shameless
  • always putting on airs, but full of hot air
  • intolerably domineering
  • ludicrously pretentious
  • very dead
  • irredeemably mendacious
  • liable to make a bloody fool of himself, as Richard Ingrams so penetratingly observed
  • a drug dealer (his method was to sew opium pellets in the cuffs of his shirts — it fooled H.M. Customs every time)
  • a full-on misanthrope
  • a friend of all the world’s antinomians. For instance, he was best buddies with the drug addict William S. Burroughs
  • reactionary
  • terrified of women, so that he was bullied severely by his first wife and was the virtual slave of the second, who did as she pleased with his money (such as buying their Callian house without so much as a by-your-leave)
  • coarse and unattractive
  • unable to bring any of his works off
  • as a writer and as a man, second-rate
  • dead, literally
  • a writer for adolescence. You grow out of him
  • a self-confessed anarchist
  • little more, when all is said and done, than a rather unfunny and boring, though noisy, Manchester music-hall act
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